I cried my way through the worship service this morning. Again.
I have been struggling lately.
I have long felt like I was **just** holding it all together by a small thread. But too often lately...that thread snaps.
I like feeling like I have everything under control. That I can handle everything. I take pride (ouch) in being able to get ALL THE THINGS done.
And I want everyone else to think I have everything under control also.
And with three, four, even five (for a while) children...I could. I did.
But with homeschooling 4th, 5th, 6th and 7th graders, and chasing 1- and 3-year olds around, I cannot delude myself (or anyone else) any longer.
I keep rethinking our homeschooling curriculum. And schedule. I shuffle things around, and they work better. For about 3 weeks. And then nap schedules change again...and then we have another round of things not working again.
I am officially...at the end of myself.
It feels absolutely horrid. I feel like a mess. I feel ill-equipped. I feel like I am failing my children.
But while this feels absolutely horrid, I do recognize that there is a bright side. The bright side is that this "at the end of myself" is exactly where I am supposed to be.
I should always be cognizant that I **can't** do this by myself. Of course I can't...I wasn't meant to.
I am not in control. Of course I am not...I was never meant to be.
I cannot "handle" this. Of course I can't....I am not supposed to.
And right now I am relying on the Lord for strength, and guidance, and I am so, so very thankful that He promised that those who lack wisdom (waving hand high) simply need to ask, and it will be given generously. I need thee every hour, Lord!
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Oh, I so understand this! I have been struggling with some of this (that is why Jim was teaching over Thanksgiving break). You are doing great friend!
ReplyDeleteYou're not alone! My 3 high schoolers are in Christian school, and I'm "only" homeschooling K, 3, and 6 this year, but I can so relate to how you're feeling. I've been there at various points over the years. We hosted twin toddlers through Safe Families for 3 months, and homeschool pretty much went out the window during that time.
ReplyDeleteI'm right there with you, though you're juggling two more kids and a greater age span. Yes. As soon as it feels like "smooth sailing", something changes or everything is completely up-ended. It is soooo discouraging. I find that the only time I feel 100% is when the day has gone "perfectly" as planned, which just isn't reality most days. We need to roll with the punches, but man. It's hard.
ReplyDeleteI've found that doing a morning "Circle Time" right after breakfast helps keep the sunny feeling inside my heart. At least we've done SOMETHING inspiring, whether or not anything else pans out as planned. Being able to identify opportunities in bunny-trails or complete derailment is helpful too. And breaking up the day with the timer has also been very good for me, to keep us all on track. I unfortunately have very little innate sense or order and am very easily swept up in inspiration. And as we all know, EVERYTHING rests on our shoulders as homeschooling mamas. It can be overwhelming!!
Don't be too hard on yourself, it just IS. We've got to do the best with what we have. (I'm telling this to myself as well!)(But isn't it easier to see it and say it to someone else??)(Reality can be a rough beast to wrestle.)