I cried my way through the worship service this morning. Again.
I have been struggling lately.
I have long felt like I was **just** holding it all together by a small thread. But too often lately...that thread snaps.
I like feeling like I have everything under control. That I can handle everything. I take pride (ouch) in being able to get ALL THE THINGS done.
And I want everyone else to think I have everything under control also.
And with three, four, even five (for a while) children...I could. I did.
But with homeschooling 4th, 5th, 6th and 7th graders, and chasing 1- and 3-year olds around, I cannot delude myself (or anyone else) any longer.
I keep rethinking our homeschooling curriculum. And schedule. I shuffle things around, and they work better. For about 3 weeks. And then nap schedules change again...and then we have another round of things not working again.
I am officially...at the end of myself.
It feels absolutely horrid. I feel like a mess. I feel ill-equipped. I feel like I am failing my children.
But while this feels absolutely horrid, I do recognize that there is a bright side. The bright side is that this "at the end of myself" is exactly where I am supposed to be.
I should always be cognizant that I **can't** do this by myself. Of course I can't...I wasn't meant to.
I am not in control. Of course I am not...I was never meant to be.
I cannot "handle" this. Of course I can't....I am not supposed to.
And right now I am relying on the Lord for strength, and guidance, and I am so, so very thankful that He promised that those who lack wisdom (waving hand high) simply need to ask, and it will be given generously. I need thee every hour, Lord!