Striving

I am weary.

It's not just sleep deprivation. (Although I have some of that going also.)

Weary. Brain-tired. Fried.

I am striving. Striving to do it all...and do it all perfect.

I so want to be the best wife...and best mom...and provide the best education, and the healthiest food....and....etc., etc....

And right now specifically I'm trying to figure out how to be the "best mom" to an infant. I've never done this before. Until Gabriel reaches 13 months and 26 days, this is new territory for Jas and I.

Am I a "Baby Wise"/schedule/parent-directed-feedings mom? or an AP (attachment parenting)/demand feedings kind of mom???

When do I start feeding Gabriel solids? And what do I feed him? Will we go-with-the-normal-flow? Or do we believe in BLW (Baby-led Weaning)?

And more new territory to prepare for:

Beginning to collect books that represent brown-skinned people. Learning how to care for that precious brown skin (and hair!) Preparing to talk with Gabriel about how/why he came to be a part of our family (his story is vastly different from our other four, who have (much to their liking) very similar stories).

How to deal with looks from strangers when we're out? How to deal with the deafening silence from our next-door neighbors who used to dote on my children...you know, before Gabriel arrived?

And...finally...

How do I see to the needs of the rest of the family, when what I'd really like to do is just sit and stare into Gabriel's beautiful brown eyes and talk with him and try to get "just one more" smile out of that precious and fascinating little boy?

Some of these questions we've begun to answer. Most we have not a clue yet...

In an effort to read and research and begin answering those as-yet unanswered questions, I've recently purchased e-books. And I've been devouring blogs. I mentioned here a blog I'd been devouring (I've finished now).

As I read back over that post, it was glaringly obvious to me what I did not mention as I talked about striving to find our new normal for our family of seven: talking with God.

Praying.

Praying for wisdom. Praying for direction and discernment.

I've been struggling mightily to figure all this out...all on my own. Striving. Striving in vain, mostly.

The awesome and overwhelming-to-me truth is that the author and creator of the universe really and truly does care about these things. He really does know and care that I have these questions and concerns. And He knows the answers already. And - even better - He'll be glad to share those answers with me...if I'll take the time to seek Him.

But the truth is: I have not been having my time with Him lately. Since, mmm.... (how old is Gabriel again?) ...oh yes, about 12 weeks now. But I can't do this - any of it - by myself, in my own strength. But I don't have to. I was never supposed to....

I've been thinking that I'm too busy to have my daily quiet time with Him.

But the real truth is: I'm too busy to not have my daily quiet time with Him.