Is that an oxymoron?
Oxymoron - a figure of speech that combines contradictory terms
It may classify as an oxymoron, and yet...it is how I feel.
Specifically, it is how I always feel when we are in the process to adopt. Excited? yes. Anxious to bring our next child home? yes. Scared out of my wits? YES!
I've been feeling this way for weeks, but an e-mail exchange I had with my friend Laura the other day put it on the front burner for me.
With Elisabeth's adoption and our meeting and her homecoming, the only word I think of to describe all of that is: Magical. I don't mean that in a hocus-pocus, witchy sort of way. I mean: dreamy, surreal, wonderful, perfect...miraculous.
But to be completely honest, with every adoption since then, bar none, I have been, well...faithfully pessimistic.
With each adoption we knew we were supposed to start the process to adopt another child. And then when we identified Noah, and Daniel and Lily Kay (with each of them having special needs, they were on SN lists and we found them and approached our agency and told them we wanted to adopt them) we knew that they were the child that God intended to add to our family.
So with each of their adoptions we knew that we were in the Lord's will...but still, I was scared. Scared to tears many times. Anxious.
What if things didn't go well? Things were going good/smooth in our family at that point, what if adding another child messed that up? What if we were about to ruin our lives???
I have had these questions with each subsequent adoption after Elisabeth's.
And yet - for anyone who's been reading this blog for any amount of time - it has to be very clear just how amazingly, phenomenally blessed we are. At times, I almost feel guilty at how unbelievably blessed we are. Things are not perfect, we are not perfect...but we. are. so. blessed.
And now we've begun the process to adopt again.
And so the questions are back. And this time they've got all new twists since we're adopting domestically, adopting an African American child, and probably adopting a new-born.
What if we don't get picked by a birthmom? What if we do get picked by a birthmom? What if she changes her mind after we've had the baby for days (up to 10 days)? What if the birth father didn't know about the baby and then shows up later? What if the baby has medical issues we don't know about? What if the baby has medical issues we do know about? What if the baby wakes up 4 times a night? What if I am so tired that I act horribly and impatiently to my children...and Jas...and everyone? What if I am so sleep-deprived and grumpy that my family wants to kill me? What is our African American child going to think (later) of us pasty white folks adopting him? How do I care for black skin and hair? How will I make sure that our baby doesn't eat any of the 10,000 legos in the house and choke to death? Should we find a black church to attend? Should we find a church that has at least one black family in it? Is our child going to want to find his birth mom? Is our child going to grow up feeling out of place with white people...and black people? Are we. about. to. ruin. everyones. lives???
I know that I know that I know...that we are right smack dab in the center of God's will. And I know that I know that I know that whatever we may face, He will be walking right there with us - or perhaps even carrying us.
But knowing these things does not stop me from having questions...it just means that I keep going down the path where I know the Lord is leading.
So I have these questions...and I just wanted to be honest about that.