Being real

We talked to Zibing's doctor's office today. My heart is heavy tonight. I'm weary. It's not a physical weariness...it's mental. I feel mentally. wiped. out.

Add to that the fact that I've been struggling. Struggling with whether to record this phase or not. Struggling ever since I started this blog, really.

Just how honest should I be? How transparent? Why am I doing this blog? Who is this for?

Some of my reservations about being transparent have to do with pride. My pride, specifically. Do I want to write about hard days? Days when I feel overwhelmed...totally inadequate to the child-rearing and home-management tasks before me (and those sorts of days occur very regularly, unfortunately). Do I really want to memorialize those times when I've totally. messed. up? Who wants to read about someone else's bad days? Someone else's struggles?

Some of my reservations about being transparent have to do with privacy. My children's privacy, specifically. Some of the issues involved in their special needs are...well, private. I don't want to violate that.

My number one reason for doing this blog is to keep a record of our family's doings. I've failed with all other methods I've tried in the past to keep a record of our blessed lives together (journals, scrapbooks, etc.). I've had fun doing this blog - more than I thought I would - and I've been faithful about recording (with pictures, yay!) what is going on. I'm faithful about recording the good parts, anyway...

While my family is my main reason for doing this...the fact that others read it is something I always keep in mind also, obviously. If anyone receives any encouragement or edification through reading my ramblings...well, that would bring me joy. I love my Lord. I love my husband. I love my children. I love adoption. I love homeschooling. I love eating healthy. If I can encourage anyone in any of these areas...I want to do that. I want that very much.

While everything I've recorded has certainly been true, tonight I feel like I've only been painting half the picture. The hard stuff, the messy stuff, the painful stuff...I leave out. Looking back, my posts seem to me fluffy and happy-go-lucky...to a greater percentage than our real life is. That feels like lying to me.

I want the record that I keep for our children to be real...an accurate picture of our life. Not some sugar-coated version that only ever feels and sounds good.

And I'm going to answer my own questions from above: Who wants to read about someone else's bad days? Someone else' struggles?

I do. Is that voyeuristic? I don't think so. I've received much encouragement and wisdom over the years from others who were transparent as they dealt with struggles and issues. It is comforting to know that I'm not the only one who fails my children (all too often). I might not have felt we could venture down the path of SN adoptions if not for all the adoptive parents who were willing to be transparent.

So, I suppose this is my declaration: I'm done wearing only a Smiley Face mask. Most of the time, that isn't a mask, it's the real me...but sometimes it is a mask.

So, back to the reason I even started this post: Zibing.

While I won't go into details (to protect her privacy, as I'd like to be treated if I were her)...we have new concerns. China, either through oversight or lack of funds, or interest, never treated her adrenal issue. They didn't know she had it? The thought is absurd. And now, besides the fact that she beat the odds to even survive without medication, the adrenal issue wreaked havoc on her urological system...leading to the issues that earned her a spot on their SN list. Even though these Adrenal issues were listed NO WHERE on her medical info from China, our wonderful doctor told us the very first day we saw her face that this had to be what was causing it. Nothing that is going on with her has come as a surprise to us. (That is not to say or imply that any surprises would change anything about how we feel about her!) It's just that we knew what we were getting into...and jumped into it very willingly.

She has new symptoms. They hit me in the face a few days ago. But looking back, they've been going on for a couple of weeks...but they only became apparent to me - it all fit together - a few days ago. Hindsight is 20/20...but why do I feel so slow?

We already had an appointment with the endocrinologist on July 9th. I was assuming we could discuss it with her then. But when I spoke to a nurse today (to get results from last week's blood draw)...I mentioned the new symptoms. The doctor is concerned enough that they are working us in tomorrow morning. I appreciate them being on top of things. But I have to admit that their "being on top of it"-ness has me rattled.



As un-surprising as developments have been so far...here is the truth: I don't want any more new "developments". I. don't. want. this. precious. child. to. have. to. deal. with. anything. else. Enough. Enough already. She's had enough pain, loss, upheaval, etc. to last for 3 lifetimes...I want her to simply be able to concentrate on the hard work of being a 4-year old.

I'm just still processing. I know that the Lord has her engraved on the palms of his hands (49:16). And I know that He knows the number of hairs on her head (Matthew 10:30). And I know that these troubles are achieving for her an eternal glory that outweighs them (2 Cor. 4:17). And I know that out of suffering the Lord brings perseverance, character and hope (Romans 5:3-4).

My head knows these things.

I'm waiting for it to reach my heart. And it will. But it hasn't reached there yet...and I just wanted to be honest about that.