Forgot we were adopting again? Don't blame you...it's been a while since I last spoke of it here. 13 months, to be exact.
But not long after I wrote that we moved, which threw me for a loop.
And then our family-of-7 began GAPS, which threw me for a big, HUGE loop.
But, honestly, I just didn't feel ready back when we officially started this current adoption process. We knew even going into G's adoption that we would be adopting again, so as soon as his adoption was finalized, Jas was ready to get on with it. His reasoning ran something like, "we're not getting any younger!" True enough.
But I on the other hand? Was not ready. I tried to be ready. It was so precious to me that Jas was ready to adopt again. So I tried to feel ready. I knew that I knew that we were supposed to adopt again...so I tried to muster up the gumption to be excited and feel like it was the right timing. But...it just. wasn't.
This has been totally and completely opposite of how it has always been in the past. It has been the strangest feeling. I have always been the one itching to adopt again, sitting on "go." And this time it has been Jas. He has actually even done every bit of paperwork for this adoption. (But with the way we got started, and then put things on hold for months, we've actually had to go back and re-do all the forms because they'd expired.)
While there were practical, logistical, reality-based circumstances that made it make sense to not adopt again quite yet...my hesitation was also very emotional. I wasn't ready for Gabriel to not be the baby anymore. For someone who thought she never wanted to have a newborn, G has changed everything. The Lord has done a mighty work in me through this precious child. I'm still just in awe of Gabriel, and in turn, in awe of my precious Heavenly Father who thankfully knew so much better than me what our family should look like. I get tearful sitting here thinking on all this.
It is so good for me to be reminded: He knows best. He truly knows best.
Because now I'm ready. Something clicked in the past couple of months and now I am ready. And it feels good. I could detail some of the fleshly reasons I feel ready...but the bottom line is: *now* it is God's timing for us to finish the paperwork.
But being "ready", for me anyway, doesn't mean I'm not scared. To be completely transparent: I have been scared during the waiting process for these last five adoptions. I didn't feel it with our first (Elisabeth). But once we actually became parents to a precious little being, my thinking has gone something like this: We've got a good thing going here...what if we're about to mess everything up? What if we adopt again...and we screw up the rest of all of our lives??? What if there are problems? What if this child has needs that we can't handle? What if....?
I see this for the enemy's scare tactics that they are. I know that. And yet...I've had these thoughts with these last five adoptions.
Thankfully, we've never let these doubts and lies get in the way of actually doing what we know to be God's will for our family...I just felt I had to be honest about that. For me anyway, knowing that I know that I know this is God's will doesn't mean I don't have worries.
I (try to) take these thoughts captive, and we move forward and obey.
And for His part? God has blessed. Oh my...has He blessed. Over and over...and over again...the Lord has blessed us beyond measure.
And He will this time also. I'm not naive enough to think that means there won't be problems...or that everything will be sunshine and roses...simply because we're obeying. But He promises to be right there beside us, every step of the way - or even holding us when necessary - and that is what is important. I'm holding on to that rock solid truth.
We've finished everything on our part. Fingerprints have been checked at the state level. And national level. They have seven birth certificates. And one marriage certificate. They've checked our well water. They've checked Bebe's shot records. They've perused our financial records. They've verified that Jas still has a job. Family and Children's Services has cleared us. Our five recommendation letters have been received at our agency. All seven of us have had physicals. (Jas and I still don't have HIV...or syphilis...or TB, PTL.) We're all done, right down to the 18 copies of our lifebook that are fresh off the presses and have recently arrived at our agency's home office.
And our social worker came last night for our only required visit. She was here for three and a half hours....and I now have a new bff. Seriously. And she says she should have the homestudy completed by this weekend.
If all goes according to plan...we should begin "actively waiting" next week.
God loves adoption. It is a perfect picture of what He has done for us that believe in Him. I'm so thankful and amazed that He lets us participate in this miracle with Him. Oh joy of joys!
These sentences that I wrote in that post 13 months ago still perfectly sum up how I feel:
Just like it does at every adoption at this stage, it seems surreal to me. There will actually be another child in our family at some point. It's hard to even imagine now. But I know after having been through it time and again, that it will happen...and when it does it will then seem like that child has always been with us...and we won't be able to imagine life any other way.